The dust gets stirred up...

Warning: self indulgent (according to Bikram 'mental masturbation'= mental ruminations) writing ahead

For me, this teacher training represents many things.

1.Improving my practice.
2.Learning more abou the yoga.
3.Learning more about myself.

It's the third point that is the most important part of the teacher training.
It's certainly something that is at the forefront of my thoughts at the moment.

The last few days in exile have heightened my new feelings of being rather adrift. It's not something I felt when I began this program nor something I was expecting. I thought it was just gonig to be something to do during the spring and summer to occupy the months... I never thought it would get... emotional.

What's weird is that I'm being confronted by the same emotional patterns and situations that I've experienced in the past. (I certainly won't go into specifics... not on this public site... no way! but I will tell you it has to do with relationships) I don't think it is a coincidence that today I found myself in that same situation...

Today we were still a displaced lot. The fire department had still barred us from the Bikram College so we had class at the LAX Westin hotel ballroom. After a miserably cold class taught by a very apologetic Rajashree (Bikram's wife), we sat quietly in savasana. She read us her favorite poem.

Lying, listening quietly in the dark I found myself getting choked up.
It felt like the poem was written specifically to address me (although I'd say most in the room could say the same thing). Maybe it wasn't a coincidence that I got Rajashree's copy after class.


The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.



I guess what I have to keep in mind (fervently keep in mind) is that this program is going to be what I make of it. I've already felt myself get somewhat sidetracked by other concerns. More specifically, I found myself growing preoccupied by expectations of things that have not yet happened, all the while ignoring the pleasant realities (friends, wisedom, love) in front of me. Like the guru says, the self is the most important thing we have...