The End of the fifth week.

I'm sitting here at home a little melancholic.
There are four weeks left in our training and I already am starting to miss it.
This program has been so immersive and personal. I've learned more about myself in this short time than I ever have in any other academic institution (including medical school).

The priamry thing I've learned is that 'I don't know.' It sounds like a such a simple statement and, at times, a stupid new age, alternative thing to say but I can honestly say that this is most veracious statement I've spoken. If I live another hundred years I still may never know anything. That is humbling.

Since I've started this program I've had many words of encouragment and 'hellos' from friends and well-wishers (much appreciated guys) but I've also received my fair share of imput from others with other yoga, meditation, and alternative backgrounds. Other than those of my own teachers (Val, Jeff, Monica, Krystal, Yelba, Diella, etc.) I can't say that the (unsolicited) advice has been germaine or helpful (it has been appreciated though). Everyone has their advice or nuggets of wisdom but the nature of this program is so personal that someone from the outside can't understand. Heck, even the experience amongst my teachers is unique. I've figured that personal treks like this are more about the inner geography being traversed not the actual day in and day out activities (although those things are often the vehicle leading to such journies).

Friendships and other personal relationships have been strange. I find them analogous to billiard balls bouncing about the table after the initial break. The contact is instantaneous, fleeting, yet intense. Already I've been the subject of a few school girl crushes and having a few of my own crushes as well (how juvenile, eh?). I've made friendships that have been intense one day, absent the next. That is my one lament with this environment, not enough time to connect with someone, anyone, in a significant way: friendship or otherwise. Everything seems so tenuous and, at times, contrived. Again, this is a personal journey but hey even Jesus had his apostles, Buddha was married (at one point), I don't deserve a sidekick or a travel companion on this road?

Bikram is back from Japan. Still shocking and bombastic as ever. The last lecture that he gave us was about love. One thing I learned was that he isn't a romantic... more on this later.

There is so much more I'd like to write about but it's really personal. I'm still processing some things as well....

I'm feeling a little raw right now. Like a overly scrubbed, overly exposed face. Throbbing, red, angry, and painful. Both emotionally and physically. Part of me would like to scream and run down the street naked in some sort of cathartic release (Freud would be proud). Another part of me would like to lie down and just watch the stars all night until they fade with the encroaching sunrise. Still, yet another part of me would like to be enveloped in a big hug and just stay there like that until the sun burned out and the earth faded away. My body feels fine, I just feel like I'm juggling a hundred balls and I can't drop one of them. Ironically I don't have that many things in the air...

I share the similar sentiment of of many of my classmates: I don't know if I can go back to my old life. Things have changed. I've changed. I'm hungry for more from my life. Much more than what was offered from my old routine. I'm looking for adventure, to live loudly, to live big, to love passionately, to have greater loyalty. Simply to be alive.

Owning an Audi is meaningless to me now. I'm looking for spiritual value and truth. As Bikram says, "I like money, you like money but these things, at best are %5 of your life. Even a fortune. True Spiritual value is the fortune."

We'll see what happens from now on...